According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I know
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.