Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
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It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume