I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Nice try, poison.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.