awesome draft from months ago i just found
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
bury ourselves
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.