My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”