I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.