In space, no one can hear…
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5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.