Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
This fish is cracking me up
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My background check bounced.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Shortcut
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins