My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
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Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”![]()
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.