My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no