Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
This line from Airplane.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.