Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.