I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I’m aging like a fine banana
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.