My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I’m Sold!
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.