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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes