if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]