Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.