Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.