Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
New comic up. “Ransom”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.