sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
So that’s what we looked like?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.