If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday