Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
You Might Also Like
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
when nothing goes right… go left
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit