If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
You Might Also Like
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.