Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.