Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.