I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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Oceanography is all about current events
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.