Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”