So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.