I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.