Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Wait a minute…
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.