[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My purse is deeper than some people.
New mindset, who dis?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.