Well, that didn’t work.
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway