[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?