Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
hi why am I like this
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie