“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Very good news from my accountant
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
And then there were 4
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.