And then there were 4
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole