theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”