BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You Might Also Like
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I need this for my side hustle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*