If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
There’s always that one guy
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.