Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.