Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
*weighs self after shaving
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me trying to look natural in photos
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