Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions