Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
You Might Also Like
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence