Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal