Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Genius idea!!
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My life in a nutshell
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.