TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
⛄️
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.