I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume