I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.