“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.