Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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this has to be peak English
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Not all heroes wear capes…
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”