I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
monster under my bed: I鈥檓 gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
#FunnyLife Insects
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
if you鈥檝e successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Nope, that鈥檚 a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My eye keeps twitching. I鈥檓 no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she鈥檚 already an angel and 2) she鈥檚 going to climb up there anyway