I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
LOOOOOOL
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?