I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
You Might Also Like
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
You can’t rush stupid.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.