If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
got so much cardio in today
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing