If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.